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Monday, October 29, 2007 ___on the incineration of broken hearts voices quiet as whispers invade the minds of innocent bystanders as they stand to watch the incineration of a world of lonely hearts. they laugh, entertained as hearts are set on fire and are stabbed by rusty knives until they bleed; blood black and cold as hell must really be. they say the devil has a heart of ice and stone, it seems reasonable to believe that his world should be the same. hearts of fire are capable of passion, they are still soft on the inside. hearts of ice and stone can feel nothing, and especially not compassion, love, or passion. they hurt just to hurt. all of these hearts go around smashing each other to pieces as though it makes them happy and satisfied, but in the breaking they themselves crack. the small and bittersweet lines tracing arteries and capillaries. blueredpurple like a bruise. the map work to secret desires and inner needs, a story to what every little girl really wants. a hand to fit hers into and a chest to rest her head on when she cries. denied this, she learns the art of sulking, depression, self-absorption, and removal. she never really knew any better. or maybe she did... she was a broken sky exploding over texas nights, falling stars, meteor showers, and bursting constellations. she was dirty blonde hair, soft skin, and dirty feet. she was no shoes, pixie sticks, and quiet brilliance. there were undenied whamabonds and she was all heart and no brain, always hurting because the whole world hurt. stars and fairy sparkles in those eyes and a million happy laughs in those smiles and she was a starburst candy ace-of-hearts loverfae. dammit. we have too little to say to a world falling apart, collapsing in on itself into this beautiful disaster, creating ugliness and hate. people create destruction and we haven't learned how to apologize for it yet. by K @ 10:13 PM Saturday, October 27, 2007 chewed up and spit out i almost think i can remember when i used to think i was pretty what did they do to me, how did they take that away from me, and where did i go? will i ever get that back, be able to breathe again without feeling like there is a terrible invisible crushing weight on my chest that wont allow my lungs to fully expand? god i hope so. because i cant stand to look at myself, and i cant stand the flashes i get memories that would be best left repressed. all of that is over now but i still feel like i am walking around in a dream. floating. is this new life real or something i dreamed up to escape the truth. it is one nervous breakdown after another, insomnia and nightmares, fear and loathing everywhere and i didn't want the bad memories and i wish there were some good ones. i wish i felt pretty. i wish i hadn't been brainwashed into thinking i was the repulsive idiotic undeserving waste of life i feel i am these days...  and i never took the abuse because i thought i didn't deserve better or because i thought i couldn't get better. i took it because i was naive and believed in turning the other cheek and loving one another as i was taught growing up... why didn't they teach me to stand up for myself and when to kick a guy in the balls and slam the door on his face... why didn't they teach me never to trust anyone and to only rely on yourself lest ye be trapped in the claws of the evil ones... men. why didn't they teach me? does everyone want that perfect life for their little girl so badly they refuse to look at reality and want her to live in fantasy land forever... if i ever have a daughter i will teach her. i will teach her what life taught me so that she knows there is no fantasy land and life is tough but you have to be tougher... but i pray i never have a child, especially a daughter, in this sick world we live in today. i almost think i can remember when i thought the world was pretty. i thought i was pretty. i believed good always won and karma always came around. almost. by K @ 8:45 PM Friday, October 19, 2007 desolation: critical times like these are intolerable and i would trade it all... for what? take away the world and i will be alone with senseless sensation and unhindered regret. every breath we take we fall apart as we bathe ourselves in our own heart's blood and the times we failed to make a difference. imprints on the sand we would all trade it all for the simple chance to start over without all the previous defects. store bought productivity erases the senses we all accommodate inside these tiny shelled souls, regret and repent your entire life, erase it all and we'd all be happier without the baggage we carry on board. roger captain. prepare for take off. the engine is dead and we're flying away. melodic therapy run away from responsibility once again. worldly needs are pulling me under... "a slow decent" inspiration: minimal by K @ 3:56 PM Thursday, October 18, 2007 pretty lies in a pretty package maybe that is all i am... sometimes this life makes me feel like - you all make me feel like - this has become a routine of varied spaces and endless intervals. you've grown comfortable with these words and they rain off your backs like splashes of warm water, but do you ever actually think about what i'm saying, does anyone actually read or understand? tell me who to be and what you want me to do. these walls, these words are burning holes in the past and present mirrors blemish the memories we treasured in our ignorance. would you call this a mask? hide behind my honesty, a new kind of lie. this tide washes away the painted canvas of our tapestry entwined, yarn of love and betrayal majestic in its bloody perfection and reflective impetuousness. give up your questions (questions i could never answer) and love. dance in this pale moonlight and awaken to the indifference of this tired nighttime, the one you thought so powerful, an embrace of forgetfulness and loss (we're all lost souls walking between the street light's halos of hope) liquid dreams dribble like morphine in a sterile room and every hope was a fleck of amber in these brown eyes. would you call me fascinated? i am your lover (oh noose) i am your slow decent i am the ending of a beginning forgotten in the misty mornings where we lay wrapped in twisted sheets and in each other's arms and listened to the waves of the radio and smiles in the memory of times we'd hoped for something more than just mere existence. who will i be when life is in my hands? will we survive these mornings (you would kill for this just a little bit, you would) intentional ramblings and explicit truths we sought to bind in silk and present prettily with a ribbon and a word. by K @ 6:53 PM Tuesday, October 16, 2007 join me  I support LIGHTBULBS FOR BURMA. You can learn alot about it from my good friend John's write up here. by K @ 3:06 PM Sunday, October 14, 2007 liar leave me just like the rest it's a prophecy redundant through time and my heart. trace these blades across my wrists drawing the answer to the question that you will never answer... "what's wrong?" every face is dismissible because no one was willing and the time was too short or took too long or something. i was never sure. (i'm the girl who stands on the edge of the crowd doused in the smoke and dishonesty they reek of refusing to join them) you can taste it and you turn away. maybe it is true i wanted you to hate me, hurt me, just like the rest so we could prove to ourselves i was right and no one pushes hard enough. (thank you so much) alone in oblivion wrap these dark blankets around me and leave me to my... what? deep inside these idle dreams that you will never see... liar liar liar liar by K @ 8:48 PM Saturday, October 13, 2007 yep. i told you. i'm famous. and everybody loves me. suck on that, haters. by K @ 9:03 AM Friday, October 12, 2007 lolsecretz  i just love this site! by K @ 6:36 AM Thursday, October 11, 2007 you are everything "this is what living like this does" so time after time again of technical loss of words and thought that we trapped so deep inside it all came to nothing and never meant a thing (like everything else) we're slaving away hoping for a chance to prove ourselves at the expense of everyone else and these words are bleeding out too fast. the world is spinning like we had been drinking but i never felt a thing like this before, twist scape through the sunlight and let the leaves get caught in your hair. the most beautiful thing in the world a perfect scene. what would it take to have this music through our lives in a day of sunshine (you shine so bright that your truth overcomes all of their lies) and flowers and the two of us together lost and laughing in the grass. what would it cost to see the ocean reflected in your eyes (i am weakened by the force of your eyes) and my own heart beating for every word you say. the touch or your hand would mean anything to everyone and we could stand in the sand and maybe i could see your smile once again... and once again maybe i would be able to smile. if this was the last day would you regret a single thing you did? because lately it feels like i am stagnating. the same music is still beautiful but everything else seems to be fading. new people that don't mean anything, do they notice the pauses, the moments of silent insecurity and the stretches of disinterest? its just a fragment of what's to come and i'm still on the verge of letting this screaming psudo-individual bleed me away and leave me lifeless. (what's the point of it anymore) and i was wondering if maybe you were just like me tied up and broken down behind school yards hiding in the back of a van just waiting to state that deep dark addiction - whatever it may be. i was wondering do you hurt too? cause maybe, just maybe we could hurt together and i'd be just like you. what would it be like to bleed together on the same stage and just forget it all for long enough to smoke a bit and move on. what would you trade for a moment of perfect bliss in the midst of such turmoil as this life (oh if you only knew all i've been through and how long i have waited for you) has been for me? by K @ 2:25 PM Tuesday, October 09, 2007 hooray for me alrighty-tighty, so they fixed our plumbing. i was so scared that it was going to be tree roots grown through the pipes because we have such huge trees and this is such an old area, but it wasnt! in fact we have these really expensive pipes that roots cant usually grow though. the problem was our lines hadnt like ever been cleaned out and so we should be good to go now, good as new! hooray! other news, myspace is so last year and i dont have time for that bs anymore really. i get on when i get an email from someone but that is about it. man i hate that site. i guess because i just got on in the first place to talk to my ex-best friend and now that is over with what is the point of being on there. so screw it. ive started over, taking control of my life, feeling happy, looking super delicious and i have everything going my way. im writing, im taking pictures, im working out, im living the life i have wanted for so long and i am happy to finally have it. i deserve it after all i have been through. so hooray for me and hasta la vista, baby. by K @ 5:26 AM Thursday, October 04, 2007 so pissed our damn toilet is backed up again because the house we live in is a 'cottage' type house in the greatest old area of town. so now we cant use the bathroom or take a bath until the freaking plumbers get here... which will be in the morning. ugh. this is such bullshit. by K @ 7:43 PM Tuesday, October 02, 2007 i see the beauty here... how can i move forward when my steps are circling? what do i do when the endless nights give way to another day where everything is the same? fear has paralyzed me and i am the embodiment of this sweet dilemma as i spin round and round under the cruel moonllight.
by K @ 6:39 PM |
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