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Saturday, October 27, 2007 chewed up and spit out i almost think i can remember when i used to think i was pretty what did they do to me, how did they take that away from me, and where did i go? will i ever get that back, be able to breathe again without feeling like there is a terrible invisible crushing weight on my chest that wont allow my lungs to fully expand? god i hope so. because i cant stand to look at myself, and i cant stand the flashes i get memories that would be best left repressed. all of that is over now but i still feel like i am walking around in a dream. floating. is this new life real or something i dreamed up to escape the truth. it is one nervous breakdown after another, insomnia and nightmares, fear and loathing everywhere and i didn't want the bad memories and i wish there were some good ones. i wish i felt pretty. i wish i hadn't been brainwashed into thinking i was the repulsive idiotic undeserving waste of life i feel i am these days...  and i never took the abuse because i thought i didn't deserve better or because i thought i couldn't get better. i took it because i was naive and believed in turning the other cheek and loving one another as i was taught growing up... why didn't they teach me to stand up for myself and when to kick a guy in the balls and slam the door on his face... why didn't they teach me never to trust anyone and to only rely on yourself lest ye be trapped in the claws of the evil ones... men. why didn't they teach me? does everyone want that perfect life for their little girl so badly they refuse to look at reality and want her to live in fantasy land forever... if i ever have a daughter i will teach her. i will teach her what life taught me so that she knows there is no fantasy land and life is tough but you have to be tougher... but i pray i never have a child, especially a daughter, in this sick world we live in today. i almost think i can remember when i thought the world was pretty. i thought i was pretty. i believed good always won and karma always came around. almost. by K @ 8:45 PM |
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